I tell you guys to be kind to yourselves, give yourself a break and to remain positive but, the truth is I don’t practice what I preach.
Tuesday I had a wobble, a conversation triggered some horrible memories about my experience with a university and discrimination. As I was telling this story to a carer my mind started to tell me I was a failure and that I’d squandered an opportunity and let people get away with making me feel like crap and doubt myself.
Anyway, I was telling my mum about this and she made list all the things I’d achieved in the past three years and I realised I’m NOT a failure and it’s time I was a little kinder to myself regarding my ability to find a job and managing my weight. I’ve achieved:
- Becoming a published poet and romance author
- Writing a successful blog and helping others
- Having a part time job in PR
- work experience with my local news station.
- Auditioning for a BBC drama.
- Winning a £136 on bingo
- Finding my perfect university course and working towards my BA.
What I learnt doing this was that I’ve faced and risen above adversity again and again especially in regards to my health. As you guys know I suffer with chronic pain and ME and the cause is still unknown. So a month ago I rang my doctor and asked for help regarding dealing with it all. I wasn’t keen on starting new antidepressants or getting the mental health team involved but, it was either that or I would continue down a slippery slope and end up harming myself.
I have to accept the fact that things have happened and to just chalk it up to experience and that looking back isn’t healthy and wishing I could change what happens. I also need to spend less time on social media and wishing that I had others ‘perfect’ life because social media is an edited version of ourselves and people wouldn’t put the negative things out there because they want to seem as though they have it all. I have to accept the fact that my life is and will be different to others and that I am allowed to have down days because I’m human.
So to be able to get myself back to where I feel confident and happy I will:
- Plan all social media posts in advance and using a scheduling app to send them out so that I’m not constantly online and living life through my iPhone.
- Allow myself to sometimes go where the waves may take me and not struggle against the tide.
- Do things that make me happy even if that means being selfish
- Continue with my list journal
- Worry about diets after I’ve found a therapy and coping strategy that works for me.
I hope that by being honest to first myself and my readers it helps you to realise that you need to prioritise your mental health first and foremost and continue to do life your way.
I hope that you know that I will continue to document my life because I know somewhere someone needs to know that they are not alone in this fight against perfection and the toxic thoughts that can be spread by the darkness which are false.
All my love