It started in 2015 after I began A levels and a drama teacher said ‘you’ll get nowhere in your acting career with your disability’. To me, I felt my world turned upside down because all my life I’d dream of acting, needless to say, I was at a loss.
I was struggling as my sister went to uni and I felt alone and didn’t really have any close friends at sixth form and my back was deteriorating as was my mobility and independence,
I began to not care about my school work and had no motivation. I hid away when I was at home watching box sets and binge eating. I cried at night and desperately wanted to not wake up and it was New Year’s Eve when I felt like nothing would get better, that’s when I decided to visit the doctor.
I hadn’t realised how much I was holding in; about being unhappy with school because I was treated by the TAs as if I was a nuisance (I was only allowed to use the bathroom twice a day and not allowed to assess upper floors and libraries like others at break time due to the excuse of ‘fire safety’, in reality, they wanted to manipulate us to conform to make their jobs easier.) and how I just felt so worthless after drama.
When he asked me, ‘any thoughts about suicide?’ I hesitated. Then tears rolled down my cheeks as I contemplated holding my breath or holding a pillow over my face. I just continued to cry repeating sorry over and over. At that point my mum, my superhero, just hugged me.
The doctor prescribed me some medication and recommend I get counselling at school.
slowly the fog lifted and through counselling, I found writing courses and planned my escape to another college where I could study creative writing and be treated like an adult.
Looking back I desperately wanted to tell a teacher about the TA but I just didn’t have the strength. I should have, so I can make a difference for other kids.
Now I’m much more confident and I now stand up for myself more. I still have bad days but I just cuddle up with a cuppa and a good book waiting for it to pass. Blogging gives me a purpose I thank my readers and my creative writing teacher Rhodri and Lynda my ex-counsellor