What was it like being diagnosed with depression?

It started in 2015 after I began A levels and a drama teacher said ‘you’ll get nowhere in your acting career with your disability’. To me I felt my world turned upside down because all my life I’d dream of acting, needless to say I was at a loss.
I was struggling as my sister went to uni and I felt alone and didn’t really have any close friends at sixth form and my back was deteriorating as was my mobility and independence,
I began to not care about my school work and had no motivation. I hid away when I was at at home watching box sets and binge eating. I cried at night and desperately wanted to not wake up and it was New Year’s Eve when I felt like nothing would get better, that’s when I decided to visit the doctor.

I hadn’t realised how much I was holding in; about being unhappy with school because I was treated by the TAs as if I was a nuiscence (I was only allowed to use the bathroom twice a day and not allowed to assess upper floors and libraries like others at break time due to the excuse of ‘fire safety’, in reality they wanted to manipulate us to conform to make their jobs easier.) and how I just felt so worthless after drama.

When he asked me, ‘any thoughts about suicide?’ I hesitated. Then tears rolled doewn my cheeks as I comptemplated holding my breath or holding a pillow over my face. I just continued to cry repeating sorry over and over. At that point my mum, my superhero, just hugged me.

The doctor prescribed me some medication and recommend I get counselling at school.
slowly the fog lifted and through counselling I found writing courses and planned my escape to another college where I could study creative writing and be treated like an adult.

Looking back I desperately wanted to tell a teacher about the TA but I just didn’t have the strength. I should have, so I can make a difference for other kids.

Now I’m much more confident and I now standup for myself more. I still have bad days but I just cuddle up with a cuppa and a good book waiting for it to pass. Blogging gives me a purpose I thank my readers and my creative writing teacher Rhodri and Lynda my ex counsellor

My Mental Health Journey/Advice

I was inspired by a thread on twitter where people were brave enough to share their mental health journeys and so I decided to share mine with you.

In 2014 was when it got really bad, I think the trigger was that my health was deteriorating and I felt that the doctors weren’t listening to me because I knew their was something wrong with my back, I kept being fobbed off. I was also being badly bullied. (I couldn’t say anything because it would have made things awkward, looking back I wish I did.)

I started not caring about my school work, wanting to eat and sleep all the time and just feeling black. I felt like I was a burden to everyone. It didn’t help that my chosen career path had been blocked by a teacher. It was the last straw. It just all started crumbling down around me. I suddenly began felt that I wasn’t good enough.

So I went to my GP and have been on Prozac ever since. Even now when I’m a 1000 times better then I was, I can’t get out of bed without it. I also found counselling helped me find coping mechanisms like blogging, I realised during my sessions that I’d locked a lot away and buried it deep and facing it was the only way to win.

No I’m not cured and yes sometimes I do get overwhelmed and fed up but, sometimes you need to be the hero in your own story and to want to be better. Yes, I’m finding things tough at the moment but they will pass. I found that I had to remove myself from toxic situations and friendships to get better and to trust that this is part of my journey in life.

I now live by the quote:

If you don’t deserve me during my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best. – Marilyn Monroe.

This Christmas will be a very anxious time for some of you and I am here if you ever need to blow off some steam. It sounds corny but it will get better. Depression isn’t something you can ‘snap out of’, it’s something you need to learn to live along side with and accept that their will be bad days but, you’ll have amazing ones too.

Make 2019 the year of positivity and taking care of you.

For example, I vow to start eating properly even when I’m in pain, to go out more and not lock myself away and to say ‘No’ to things that I don’t want rather than letting people walk over me or answer for me.

What do you pledge for in 2019? Let me know below!

How I combat anxiety

 

  1. Whenever I get anxious I take ten deep breaths, in through the nose and out through the mouth. As you breathe in place your hand on your diaphragm and visualise filling a balloon, as you exhale imagine the balloon deflating.
  2. I tend to listen to music – upbeat songs only.
  3. Writing it down – stream of conscious can be very cathartic. Try making a list of things your grateful for or make a list of your frustrations.
  4. Colouring
  5. Singing (alone!)
  6. Plaiting my hair
  7. Having a hot bath
  8. Talking to someone you trust
  9. Take less selfies
  10. Going for a walk.