Confession:

I haven’t been myself lately and it’s great that I’ve recognised that. I have been struggling mentally as well as physically. Especially as it’s coming up to my 21st birthday I don’t think I’m ready for the next part of my life. I feel lost I don’t know what my next steps are and I’m just helping my guardian angel of the guides me and helps me find out what my purpose is. I think I’ve been putting too much pressure on myself especially with launching a book and my own lifestyle brand I forgot to look after myself.

Am I an author? Am I blogger? Am I disable activist? I kind of don’t know who I am right now and I’m going to use this next year to find out who I am.

Depression isn’t easy and it doesn’t go away with one pill.. something you have to live with and control. It’s like me annoying an flatmate do you have to live with!

My Nan just said it’s the change of seasons. I may change my antidepressants or I may seek some counselling or it may just be a rough patch but I can’t get through like I’ve done 100 times before.

I know one thing; I’ll get through this and I’ll make people say that when I get up in the morning fuck she’s awake.

The social worker is coming out Monday (The day before my birthday) To discuss my parents having night respite so they go on dates and the housing situation. Perhaps I’ll have to start looking in the Swansea or Cardiff area. All I want is a residential place full of young people that let you do your own thing but, also learn from life skills because I’m not learning much sitting in my armchair typing away to you guys.

I hope some positives come from this meeting and that we get the ball rolling on my independence and breaking away from my mum and dad to make my own life.

I cannot wait until my new wheelchair arrived in my fantasy it arrives on my birthday! That way then I can go out, I can be comfortable and be perfectly aligned helping my back and my arthritis… this thing I’m going to do? Go to bingo, go to strip club, go and see a theatre show, go out for cocktails and my long-awaited book shopping trip… possibly a tattoo too.

I have to confess I haven’t started writing my second book because the thought of it do you stress me out in the moment and I want to be in the right place so that is it my best work for you guys.

Right now I’m just going to casually blog every now and then. I want to make the writing process phone again and not stressful. I want to go back to being fun and going back to what I write because I think that’s been lost with the success of my blog and my book.

If you’re feeling like me; don’t hold anything, go talk to someone. Don’t let anyone see your tiara slip; you’re not a princess, you’re a motherfucking queen and you can get through this and come out stronger.

Even rainbows need a little rain

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What was it like being diagnosed with depression?

It started in 2015 after I began A levels and a drama teacher said ‘you’ll get nowhere in your acting career with your disability’. To me, I felt my world turned upside down because all my life I’d dream of acting, needless to say, I was at a loss.
I was struggling as my sister went to uni and I felt alone and didn’t really have any close friends at sixth form and my back was deteriorating as was my mobility and independence,
I began to not care about my school work and had no motivation. I hid away when I was at home watching box sets and binge eating. I cried at night and desperately wanted to not wake up and it was New Year’s Eve when I felt like nothing would get better, that’s when I decided to visit the doctor.

I hadn’t realised how much I was holding in; about being unhappy with school because I was treated by the TAs as if I was a nuisance (I was only allowed to use the bathroom twice a day and not allowed to assess upper floors and libraries like others at break time due to the excuse of ‘fire safety’, in reality, they wanted to manipulate us to conform to make their jobs easier.) and how I just felt so worthless after drama.

When he asked me, ‘any thoughts about suicide?’ I hesitated. Then tears rolled down my cheeks as I contemplated holding my breath or holding a pillow over my face. I just continued to cry repeating sorry over and over. At that point my mum, my superhero, just hugged me.

The doctor prescribed me some medication and recommend I get counselling at school.
slowly the fog lifted and through counselling, I found writing courses and planned my escape to another college where I could study creative writing and be treated like an adult.

Looking back I desperately wanted to tell a teacher about the TA but I just didn’t have the strength. I should have, so I can make a difference for other kids.

Now I’m much more confident and I now stand up for myself more. I still have bad days but I just cuddle up with a cuppa and a good book waiting for it to pass. Blogging gives me a purpose I thank my readers and my creative writing teacher Rhodri and Lynda my ex-counsellor

My Mental Health Journey/Advice

I was inspired by a thread on twitter where people were brave enough to share their mental health journeys and so I decided to share mine with you.

In 2014 was when it got really bad, I think the trigger was that my health was deteriorating and I felt that the doctors weren’t listening to me because I knew there was something wrong with my back, I kept being fobbed off. I was also being badly bullied. (I couldn’t say anything because it would have made things awkward, looking back I wish I did.)

I started not caring about my school work, wanting to eat and sleep all the time and just feeling black. I felt like I was a burden to everyone. It didn’t help that my chosen career path had been blocked by a teacher. It was the last straw. It just all started crumbling down around me. I suddenly began feeling that I wasn’t good enough.

So I went to my GP and have been on Prozac ever since. Even now when I’m a 1000 times better then I was, I can’t get out of bed without it. I also found counselling helped me find coping mechanisms like blogging, I realised during my sessions that I’d locked a lot away and buried it deep and facing it was the only way to win.

No I’m not cured and yes sometimes I do get overwhelmed and fed up but, sometimes you need to be the hero in your own story and to want to be better. Yes, I’m finding things tough at the moment but they will pass. I found that I had to remove myself from toxic situations and friendships to get better and to trust that this is part of my journey in life.

I now live by the quote:

If you don’t deserve me during my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best. – Marilyn Monroe.

This Christmas will be a very anxious time for some of you and I am here if you ever need to blow off some steam. It sounds corny but it will get better. Depression isn’t something you can ‘snap out of’, it’s something you need to learn to live alongside with and accept that there will be bad days but, you’ll have amazing ones too.

Make 2019 the year of positivity and taking care of you.

For example, I vow to start eating properly even when I’m in pain, to go out more and not lock myself away and to say ‘No’ to things that I don’t want rather than letting people walk over me or answer for me.

What do you pledge for in 2019? Let me know below!

How I combat anxiety

 

  1. Whenever I get anxious I take ten deep breaths, in through the nose and out through the mouth. As you breathe in place your hand on your diaphragm and visualise filling a balloon, as you exhale imagine the balloon deflating.
  2. I tend to listen to music – upbeat songs only.
  3. Writing it downstream of conscious can be very cathartic. Try making a list of things you are grateful for or make a list of your frustrations.
  4. Colouring
  5. Singing (alone!)
  6. Plaiting my hair
  7. Having a hot bath
  8. Talking to someone you trust
  9. Take fewer selfies
  10. Going for a walk.