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A sunny Monday.

I‘d woken up in quite a lot of pain as my sciatica kept me up through the night. I even missed my mum going to work and she always pops a head round my bedroom door to say good morning before she goes off, But seeing the weather so sunny outside I definitely wasn’t staying in, The morning seem to scream at me: “wear your yellow lemon dress” so I did. Before my social sit, I managed to read the notes for my next projectband began setting up a document ready to start typing on Friday when I have a day in. Plus swapping over to a smaller handbag I had a quick lunch of a whisper bar and some pretzels, was hoisted in my chair and we went on our way .

As we were walking up to the bus stop (we chose a long walk to the top of where I live so that we can get soaking in the vitamin D) It was a little bit windy so I felt like I gave everyone a bit of the Marilyn Monroe flash but, who cares! Whilst walking we managed to tuck it in so it wouldn’t raise up again. The first bus that came to us drove straight past us as he already had a gentleman in a wheelchair on board, he said there would be another one there in 10 minutes (this turned out to be 30 minutes man time) but he did manage to give us a free ride so I wasn’t complaining! I was struggling to reverse into the designated space for the wheelchair on the bus because some woman refused to collapse her pushchair on an account that it was a disabled buggy and yet the child was running around on the bus not needing it. So after about 70 reverse attempts I finally got in my spot.

Finally we got into town I received a lovely text from my mum saying that she was so proud that I got out today even though I was in pain and that really boosted me because I was with a carer who didn’t know Bridgend town well and I’m crap with directions so I did my special counting method so that I didn’t go into a panic attack. I could’ve punched the air with how proud I was of myself for bringing myself out of another panic attack.

Then we went in to my favourite shop, WH Smith where I bought my woman’s weekly fiction, my trashy take a break and the right kind of writing magazine that usually read (The last time I sent to carer into town to pick up magazines when I wasn’t feeling well she brought back the wrong ones) I then got my sister a birthday card.

Then we ambled up Costa where it was time for afternoon tea and Keira, my carer for the day didn’t care that we went over our allotted time as she had nowhere to be after the day with me so that meant we could relax in the sunshine and enjoy a cup of tea, people watching. She told me she had older daughters similar to my age, that she’d been divorced 11 years and her partner is in the police and that she even worked in a prison and she’s a solitude Sally like me and that she loves Zumba and walks.

ven though I’m dieting there was a lemon cake involved and after the wobbly table spilled the milkI learnt that iPhones are resistant to dairy which was a good thing. Keira even insisted on paying.

We started to make our way back to the bus as I needed to use the toilet to empty my catheter bag but I stopped in to a Thomas Cook travel agency and picked up a brochure of Cyprus and Greece so that my mum and Rich can go on holiday! (As much as I would love to go, I won’t. Because, it won’t be a proper break from my mum because she would still be doing my care and for some reason whenever I go abroad I’m ill or something plays up so it’s not fair on them both.) I’ll save up some social hours and book a three day break in Devon or Cornwall.

I Emptied my catheter and then we got on the bus home and it was much quieter. Our driver gave us a free ride again and this time we stopped at the library and did the short walk home.

Keria even stayed when she knows I can’t reach the intercom button to let the other girls in to make sure they get through the door. The next thing I know I’m being hoisted up into bed. Am I tired? Yes. Did I have a lovely afternoon? Of course I did and I think I found a friend for life with Keira. As I write I am in bed now in my pyjamas, in light pyjamas I might add and have a close my window? Of course I haven’t it’s nice to get the breeze (sunshine can be very addictive) and haven’t even shut my curtains!

I then got my 3:30 girls to tidy up my room a little, and folded away some pyjamas and putting my winter blanket back into our porch as I won’t be needing it for awhile!

I’ve challenged myself to try and do all four of the social calls this week and tomorrow I plan on having a little picnic by the miners memorial where there is benches and lovely flowers. It’ll give me a chance to fill up my new flask I bought today and testing whether it can hold hot tea without leaking.

Now it’s time to read my magazines and take some painkillers. You may think that all sounds easy but when you’ve had a voice in your head that telling you that you can’t go out because the pain will start it’s hard. But today I proved that was utter bullshit and I am one happy little lady that I managed to live a day and not think about the pain all day

My mental health action plan

As you know I shared a very honest post yesterday about my mental health? Well here’s how I’m going to get better/ be more social:

My carer hit the nail on the head, I associate pain with being out.

The Plan

Monday: Bath Day – A carer will have my car on Monday for two hours where I’ll be able to run errands into town and keep a personal beauty maintenance i.e.: wax legs, gel polish, hair died, eyebrow wax. I’ll then be able to pick up my writing magazine from WHSmith’s as well as my other periodicals like Cosmo, fiction Weekly.

Tuesday: Bed Bath – I have an hour so I’d like to go for a walk and maybe stop at the garden centre for a cup of tea. Book appointments for my eyes, to see the nurse, hair etc.

Wednesday: Bath day– This will be my library day because even though I like to read books on my kindle I still like to go and see what the library will have to offer. Also I’ll be printing out forms I need for my online degree course and filling out my bus pass form and posting them on the same day so I don’t have to rely on my mum. Perhaps I’ll join the evening bookclub and because it’s lighter evenings I can walk home myself.

Thursday: Bath Day – Skills day. I want to learn to cook a basic meal and practise things when I’m living on my own such as folding clothes, washing up, makeup application, hairstyles and pick out my outfits for the week.

Friday: Bed Bath – My ‘day off’ i’ll try and maintain going for an hour walk after lunch. But this day will mainly be relaxing, again chasing appointments and ordering medical supplies, making sure my prescription hasn’t run out. Plus blogging and book stuff

Saturday: Bath Day – Whilst my parents run their usual errands I’ll get in my chair, go for a walk and spend the rest of the day writing down the garden center. Home by 3:30 so carers can put me to bed – mum and dad respite night.

Sunday: make a point of ringing Sue, Roz, Craig. Check in with the girls on Twitter. Do something nice with family instead of watching sport – F1 excluded.

Why have I put my wash days in bold.?

Sometimes I get so down or in pain that I don’t want to bother with a bath, getting dressed or brushing my hair. This motivates me (this will be printed off and put on my bedroom wall and fridge.

Other aims

  • Have a portion of fruit with every meal
  • Have a proper breakfast like cereal or toast
  • Toast isn’t Lunch
  • Remembering to put fuel in van
  • Keeping up with hydrocortisone
  • Try and stay up till at least 8:45pm

This plan is halfway to getting back to my bubbly fifteen year old self before my back got injured – the rest is up to me.

Thank you for all the love and support and even though it feels though your worlds falling a part take a breath and take control.

Thanks for the love and support!

RM.

Don’t be embarrassed to talk about Mental Health, if you need to – go and seek help.

Mental Health Update

Dear readers,

Whilst my online persona and book are getting more recognition, it makes me happy for a second.

Then the gloom comes in. Whilst I’d love to get out independently this gloom hugs me tight like a weighted blanket and I don’t know why and finding it really hard to break free, no matter how much tough love I get, it makes me feel like a failure because I can’t even prove them wrong. Now usually that would give me the kick I need. I just don’t know what’s stopping me being bubbly…

The first step is to see the doctor. The second is to maybe see a counsellor? I think this is the first time where I’m envious of people enjoying their 20’s! For the first time ever my disability is controlling me instead of me calling the shots and that’s tough.

All I know is I have a great support system who may be frustrated but I know who loves me, even when they are being tough.

Phew, confession over! I know I need a cuppa (maybe joining slimming world will help give some confidence??

I know one thing, less TV and less junk food and a walk once a day before my uni degree starts and I’m swamped with work!

The fact that I know my signs of slipping are good so I can find away to fix them and go back to being me.

Take care of yourselves and be patient when loved ones are being tough – they don’t like seeing you go through this.

Love,

RM